You deliver more than anyone in the team, but it’s
your well-connected colleague who wins over your difficult boss and gets the promotion.
You work hard and are the brains behind a successful new innovation, but you
find out your boss has taken credit for your work and feel defeated. You try to
be a team player, but this one team member is always cozying up to the boss and
sucking up all the oxygen in the room. You think that if you do better work it
will be acknowledged, but it turns out that feeding your boss’s ego means more
than any of your accomplishments. If any of this sounds familiar, you may be working
for a narcissistic boss.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical
Manual of Mental Disorders-V (DSM-V), a person with narcissistic personality
disorder (NPD) displays long-term signs of a grandiose sense of importance, a
lack of empathy towards others, and a constant need to be admired and unique.
When it comes to identifying someone with narcissism, the clinical psychologist
Dr. Ramani Durvasula defines the core of the disease as grandiosity, a lack of empathy,
a chronic sense of entitlement, and a chronic need for admiration and
validation from other people. A boss with NPD can mean a lot of emotional and
mental strain for their direct reports: research shows they often end up
leaving the organization, getting fired, or developing a mental illness.
Narcissistic leaders are generally talented,
goal-oriented, and charismatic. Coupled with charm and confidence, these
qualities mean they generally win over the hiring manager during the interview
process. But while the interviewers want to believe this charismatic figure will
be a good leader, it’s just a façade. Once hired, they lack empathy, compassion
and—often—insight, and refuse to self-reflect or listen to feedback. Narcissistic
bosses’ relationships are transactional, with no empathy or regard for employees’
well-being. Meeting financial metrics and shifting the spotlight onto
themselves is the be-all-and-end-all for leaders like these, essentially
leaving their team out in the cold without opportunities for professional
growth.
Narcissistic leaders are often unhappy as a
result of their fragile self-esteem and inability to maintain long-term
relationships. This is why they exploit the vulnerability of their employees
and surround themselves with enablers, yes-men and sycophants who never stand up
to the narcissist or object to anything they may demand. Employees like this hang
around the toxic leader, take the blame when things go wrong, and allow the
boss to take the credit when things go right. Narcissistic leaders are also
attention seekers who are in constant need of validation from those who benefit
from them and want to be like them.
Narcissistic leaders impact negatively on the
culture of their organization. Their conduct and management style induces fear.
They often thrive in times of economic and cultural insecurity by creating new
and punitive company policies that give them more authority and control over
others. Of course, this impacts directly on the psychological safety of staff. They
may even sow turmoil intentionally, harming the work environment with unnecessary
layoffs and/or shifts in leadership and management. In weak employment markets
with limited career opportunities, employees find themselves forced to support toxic
leaders to keep their jobs. Then, it is simply a matter of time before the
company culture shifts and begins to embody the toxic traits of its toxic
leadership.
Everyone experiences the narcissistic leader
as arrogant, intimidating, and a person who is keen to make others feel
incompetent or inadequate, so they get all the glory in the company. Their
communication is often categorized by humiliation, insults and they demonstrate
a dysregulated emotional response to frustration or competition. Jean
Lipman-Bumen, in her book, The Allure of Toxic Leaders, explains
that toxic leaders lack integrity and lie to fortify their grandiose visions
for the company. They have unrealistic goals that are much bigger than any other
individual in the company. They foster a culture that rewards corruption and
backstabbing where employees, just like children, will do anything to win the
love of an emotionally unavailable and self-absorbed parent. And because of
their power, sense of entitlement and lack of empathy, they think everyone in
the company wants to please them. Their misperception almost becomes a problem
with reality testing. They assume everyone in the company is on board with
their skewed truth. Luckily, narcissistic leaders often do not last in their
role for more than a few years because the organizational cost to keeping them
is too high and damaging to the staff.
One might wonder if narcissistic leaders are
so toxic, why are they tolerated? There can be many possible answers. In some
cases, the narcissist relies on a prestigious degree, the well-known school
from which they graduated, a big-name institution where they were previously
employed, their family name, or an impressive title to protect them. People
often have a hard time associating wrongdoing with those who carry big names,
prestigious degrees, and titles. And this leaves the victims in shadow. Narcissistic
leaders often deliver results, at least in the short-term, so the company might
overlook their abuse as validation that sometimes you have to be difficult to obtain
hard-to-get results. These toxic leaders also overcompensate their immediate employees
to ensure their loyalty. As Dr. Ramani Darvasula says, “no one wants to kill
the golden goose, when he or she is rageful, arrogant, toxic, and cruel. It
becomes a Faustian bargain and may diminish the likelihood of people seeking
out recourse against a toxic boss if the financial and material benefits are so
enticing.”
Time and time again, research shows that many
narcissistic qualities are found in people with leadership roles. Individuals
with NPD are often drawn to leadership, which raises the questions of which
comes first, the chicken or the egg? Are charm, charisma, and confidence chosen
for leadership, or does being a leader result in a greater sense of
entitlement? In the real world, those who get power are the same people who
seek power. And those who seek power are more likely to possess the patterns
associated with narcissism.
There are strategies employees can use to
handle working for a narcissistic boss. For example, in her book, Don’t You
Know Who I am, Dr. Ramani recommends the following:
1.
Do
not meet with a narcissistic boss alone! A narcissistic boss often prefers a phone
conversation or meeting alone. Ask someone to join your meeting. If that is not
possible, send a written memo highlighting the keep points discussed in your
meeting.
2.
Document,
document, document.
Take detailed notes and save all your correspondence including text, emails, voice
mails, etc. The human resources department cannot assist without
documentation.
3.
Do
not engage with them. When
attempting to engage and argue with them, they project, gaslight, and lie, tempting
the employee to fall into the trap of getting angry and defending themselves
and perhaps making themselves look worse. Stay calm, give short answers, stick
to facts, and let them dig their own grave through their tantrums.
4.
Find
an ally. Seek out colleagues
who are going through the same things as you are to be your allies. Allies can
help you cope better and sometimes a group of you can support each other.
5.
Do
not get manipulated by superficial tricks. Narcissistic leaders buy loyalty with perks
and better compensation. Is it better to
work in a place with fewer perks but where you are valued or a place with all
the prestige but abused mentally every day?
6. Be
your best advocate. By
being your advocate, it means letting the narcissistic leader know about your
important contributions to the company. This could be hard for those who are
humble by nature.
7.
Actions
speak louder than words. Narcissistic bosses can be charming and shower you with complements.
Judge them by their action and not their
words.
8.
Craft
an escape plan. Begin to explore
other career opportunities. Focus on building your portfolio and find allies
who are willing to vouch for you.
9.
Do
not take it personally. Remember
the narcissistic leader is insecure and their criticism of you is rooted in
this insecurity, not in your actions.
10. Manage your expectations. Narcissistic bosses are not interested
in your growth or providing you constructive feedback. Many employees believe
their years of devotion will be rewarded. Chances are you will be forgotten
once the narcissistic boss moves on to greener pastures. Be prepared and manage
your expectations.
11. Take care of your health. Work stress can take a toll on your health and
your family’s health. Until you figure your situation out, it is best to seek
counseling or find a support group to share your challenges openly. Exercise,
meditation, and hobbies are good short-term solutions.
12. Maintain your integrity and stand up for
yourself. Silence gives the
narcissistic boss validation and power. Stand up for what you believe in. Stick
to your values, even when you are mocked or minimized for what you believe
in.
Perhaps a second #MeToo movement is needed to
expand the understanding of what impact a toxic, narcissistic boss can have on
the workforce and the well-being of employees. Toxic leaders will not go away
until we understand narcissism, explore the reasons we fall for their behaviors,
and learn how to stop rewarding their toxic behavior—whether they are elected,
appointed, or hired. If not, this bad
behavior and incivility will only continue to grow.
